For those of you who don’t know (and I can’t see why you wouldn’t), a final (?) installment in the glorious High School Musical series has been a long time coming. First it was thought there would be a HSM4, spinning off the new freshmen characters annoyingly introduced in the third installment. For unclear reasons, that plan got axed, and instead they moved forward with a different kind of spin-off: Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. This wondrous thing premiered a few weeks ago on Disney Channel, and well…HSM it ain’t. Those three of you who are interested (you know who you are), take a fabulous journey with Sharpay and me to New York, New York as I liveblog this treacle.
0:09: Aaaaand we’re back! I’ve grown so used to looking at her in Hellcats mode, Tis [Ashley Tisdale, our star] is loking different to me. Also, she looks more like Sharpay from HSM2 than HSM3, which I disapprove of. No one moves back, looks-wise.
0:16: Manly appears! That’s the dog.
0:30: And btw, she’s singing. This song is no “Fabulous,” and not even “I Want It All.” And shouldn’t that time on Hellcats have made her a more graceful dancer?
2:28: Oh god she’s rapping. Poochy in my Gucci indeed. And I know this is going to be explained eventually, but what on earth is this show supposed to be. OK, turns out it’s some sort of….recital? Talent show? Maybe at her country club, and maybe involving a Star Dazzle Award.
5:12: Continuity problem. It was night at her show, and she’s wearing the same outfit, and now it’s day. Look alive, people.
5:36: Oh gee, Sharpay didn’t end up going to the UofA (let’s recall that that’s Albuquerque), as previously announced in the final scene of HSM3: she’s taken a year at home to “find herself.”
6:07: Who are these minions and where did they come from? [Thank you to Claire for pointing out Paige from Degrassi–yes, this is what your life is like now.] Also, why is there suddenly so much brand name-dropping? The only reference to such I can recall in the previous movies was the “Fetch me my Jimmy Choo flip-flops” verse in “Fabulous.” It’s been 6 minutes and about 9 luxury brands have been randomly named. Disapprove. Too much.
7:56: I rather like this shiny short-short outfit. Blah blah blah Sharpay has been offered an audition in New York for a Broadway show.
8:27: Sharpay is “Alone? In New York?.” Uhhh, does anyone remember the twin she supposedly has at Juliard…in New York…. In any case, her parents are giving her one month to make it in NY or come home and “work,” whatever that means.
10:07: I like this jazzy, instrumental ode to “Fabulous” for her NY arrival montage.
10:49: What do we think Mr. Evans does that they can afford this penthouse business, anyway?
12:20: The Love Interest looks a little too much like Ryan Evans, her (vaguely) incestutwin. Anyway, Sharpay has been kicked out of the penthouse her father got her because of her dog.
13:44: Wait, so when Sharpay was sitting on top of her trunks outside the apartment building she got kicked out of, she had no plan in place at all? Just to…sit.
15:11: I like that they’re making no effort to make Sharpay not look like a cartoon character amidst Real, Gritty New York.
16:45: OK, this “roach motel” apartment is nice, Sharpay. Uh-oh, there’s a Murphy bed! Wackiness is sure to ensue. Christ, why wouldn’t she just have her father book her another dog-friendly penthouse? This is out of character.
18:13: And with what money is she going to pay for this apartment without her parents finding out? Although it’s certainly special that she can just move right into this nice, empty apartment day-of.
19:42: This movie is kind of…boring.
20:30: Why would he like her? Aww, “temporary, like first boyfriends.” I’m hoping that’s a reference to Zef.
23:13: This has certainly been a productive day. Arriving in NY, moving twice, NY montage, large-scale furniture purchase, and getting the entire apartment painted and redecorated.
25:13: Oh dear, it was her dog they wanted to audition. Not Sharpay! This is ludicrous.
29:38: So. That was a musical, duet dance number between Sharpay and the dog. Yeah. That occurred.
31:50: Oh dear lord the dogs are falling in love.
32:30: Who is this boy-child with his competing star dog candidate? Is he being primed to be a Disney star Bieber-response?
35:58: There’s no way they’d pick one random dog to star in a Broadway show. There would be several trained professionals with trained professional handlers. Who do not need to sing their auditions.
39:50: First mention of her brother! Yes, where is Ducky?
41:30: Hey, how about no more Dog Love Montages? Would that be too much to ask? Yes.
41:49: This Broadway show also looks awful. Something about a girl and the dog she loves. And…that’s the whole of it.
44:30: “Somebody, please, the dog is licking me” says the star of the show, in response to wacky doggy sabotage antics. That’s typically how I feel.
45:00: Ok, so I just took a week-long break from watching this. Now we’re resuming. Oh yes. I had forgotten about this…Doggy competition horror.
47:05: Oy, so the startlet is evil because she threatens the dogs about not upstaging her. Well, yes, that’s not unreasonable.
48:17: “So you’re the toast of Broadway?” “Daddy, you know how I feel about carb references.” Yes, let’s encourage Atkins-esque worries.
49:50: Further development of the evil ingénue. Newsflash: she is extremely evil.
51:05: Sharpay is being highered as the Evil One’s assistant/helper/friend. This will only end well. Good thing Sharpay already has so much experience with backstabbing assistants from the Tiara Gold incident.
53:07: Ah, the late-night unreasonable assistant demands begin. Evil One can’t reach a bag on a high shelf. Oh, it was a test! Only a true friend would come help!
54:10: Since when are Broadway stars this famous/in demand/wealthy that they ride around Manhattan in silver stretch limos? Not even Sutten Foster gets that kind of treatment, I’ll hazard.
55:45: No, Sharpay would not clean a toilet, not even on behalf of her dog’s future career.
56:40: However, her wacky montage of effing up the cleaning is more in character.
59:24: Oh no, the dogs have gone missing. I wonder if they’re locked in sweet embrace somewhere.
1:00:10: No, they could not have gotten this far (Central Park) away in ten seconds.
1:00:26: Yep, they’re in a dumpster having a love montage of not looking at each other or interacting. Oh, now they’re in a horsedrawn carriage. Oh, now they’re in the rain running towards each other. Oh, and a weird non-Beiber remix of “Baby” is playing over all this. This is not actually amusing.
1:01:44: Love Interest found the dogs, somehow. I still don’t agree with the casting choice on this one. He looks too similar to Sharpay.
1:02:33: Love Interest is telling Sharpay that the dogs are in love. How could she have not noticed this? Christ.
1:03:37: “Maybe you’re just jealous that you’re making a film about someone else blah blah blah.” (Had I mentioned before that Love Interest is helping her because he’s making a documentary about her as a newbie to the city? Apparently it’s not going well because she hasn’t been making time for him.) I wonder if this fight with Love Interest will be a wake-up call for Sharpay to re-find her inner fabulous.
1:05:50: Oh no, Sharpay has overheard Evil One being Evil about her. Sad eyes. Also, weird asymmetrical clingy yellowish chiffon dress.
1:06:57: No matter how sad she is, she would not be sitting on this dirty step in said chiffon dress.
1:08:15: “Worst of all, I disappointed someone really important to me.” “I lost track of what I really want.” Aarrght writers this is awful.
1:10:09: Sharpay is telling the child of Evil One’s evil plan to get the dogs out of the show and take over the spotlight. “It’s time someone taught her how to behave in the theater.”
1:11:56: Sharpay stealthily goes in for a hug and attaches a live microphone to Evil’s dress (which, no, she would feel).
1:12:39: Evil is showing what a heinous bitch she is by complaining into the live mic about the dogs. Her fan club is extremely offended. As are the directors.
1:13:16: Booing commences! Nice visual of some enthusiastic extras.
1:13:59: “I don’t use people to feel better about myself.” Well, except in HSM2, when I tried to get Troy just because he’d make attractive eyecandy, at the expense of his girlfriend.
1:14:20: Oh no, the entire cast and crew has been listening silently to this Sharpay/Evil showdown!
1:14:56: But apparently their silence wasn’t awed approval but shock and anger? Sharpay has been kicked out of the theater.
1:16:03: Sharpay is not having a good hair day. Despite the strange blue flower clips.
1:18:04: Sharpay is doing a walk of shame past the cast/crew as they learn the show has been canceled. But Love Interest tells them all Sharpay knows the part!
1:18:34: He’s showing his movie footage to show what a star Sharpay could be. Uh, wouldn’t it be more dramatic/convincing for her to just sing it in front of them at this time.
1:19:10: Oh, wait, now we’re cutting—we’re inside the movie and she is singing. Still bad hair. Need to recurl or something. Looking dry. But fun rainbow sparkly print dress. Although I don’t understand why all her garments need to be weirdly asymmetrical.
1:21:02: If this overwhelming song is supposed to be the 11’o’clock number for this Broadway show, this thing is even more mediocre than expected. Same comment for the movie.
1:23:11: Wacky rehiring of Sharpay to take the lead! As long as the two dogs get to split the role, of course. That’s a shout-out to Sharpay’s new rival-turned-compatriot, the handler of the other dog.
1:24:24: A kiss! That wasn’t in HSM1 or HSM2….
1:24:52: It’s opening night! How much time has passed? So glad the Mr. and Mrs. Evans could make it. Of course, still no Ryan….
1:25:50: Sharpay’s show-opening moment. Another asymmetrical Sharpay-like dress. Ugh, once again, this “Broadway” show looks awful.
1:26:25: The Dance Corps arrives. Things may be improving.
1:28:21: Aaaand scene. So I guess we don’t get to see any more of this charming show. Close-up on Sharpay, who has “finally” made it!
1:28:42: End!!! The credits song is an only slightly-remixed version of “Fabulous.” And yes, everyone knows this should always be Sharpay’s theme and not anything from this drivel.
That’s all, folks. That was…no, not actually that fun. Thanks to the three of you who have made it this far….